Day 1

Today I met with a women named Christine for therapy. She is very nice and the first meeting went very well. It helped to get everything out at once and for someone to just listen. I feel a tiny bit better (mood wise) but still feel spacey. I hope for progression!! I still don't understand why I have been in a fog and still constantly think about food. But hopefully I am on the right road for progression.

To remember:
You need to do what's right for YOU. No one else.
You can tell your thoughts NO.
Just live, no need to plan EVERYTHING.

Likes:
Baths.
Food.
Drive ins/ movies.

What if I really don't know??

All I need is what I love.

Today was an ok day, so far anyway. I was FREEZING at work. Legit.. cold as heck! This weather is NOT helping to bring GOOD moods. I've decided I do like working mornings.. I like to have my afternoons free. However, I do like to enjoy my mornings too! I am def a MORNING person. I shouldn't have to change around myself to please or accommodate people. It should just work out the way it's suppose to be.. if someone can't change around their schedule for you why should you completely change around yours right?! I DON'T HAVE to work all that much like some people do. Do what works for YOU. :) :) Remember? You haven't taken a vacation in how long?! Some people take them all the time!! Just work as much as you CAN. Things don't have to get done all the time (laundry, cleaning, etc). Just chill. Cook, you love cooking!!

Just be you... ALREADY.

One world.

We all have problems. It's a matter of working on them...

You CAN be normal. IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

:)

My OCD tries to tell me different things that may or may not be true? I don't know.

I have anxiety of thinking "I don't know who I am" when it reality I think deep down I do know and my OCD is telling me otherwise. If that makes any sense. I think I just need to chill the fuck out and think to myself. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

Same goes with everything else right? I just need to NOT listen to my OCD and go with the flow. Easier said then done that's for sure. But reading about these individuals with ocd has helped. I know it's manageable to get through but it doesn't come easy. I need to tell myself to write when I am having a bad day and understand that it all isn't bad. It can be good too. But I need to work HARD. Not by choice- because, well, I have to.

LIFE IS LIFE.

Just over the fact that, well, you have OCD. Things wont be easy. But you will get through both with good and with bad. :)

I am SLOWLY finding "me".

I went to training this weekend for camp. I met a guy who seemed really nice. However, it made me notice that I tend to "change" me to try impress or gain the acceptance of people. When it reality if someone isn't willing to "accept" me for ME then they aren't worth that acceptance. Isn't that what all this food obsession is about? I eat/exercise the way I do so that I look good to gain acceptance from people. How unfortunate does that sound. To have something RULE my life to GAIN ACCEPTANCE. Sounds pathetic and unfortunately it has been one of the TOUGHEST habits to break- therefore I need help. Which I WILL BE getting.

On top of that I have had one of the MOST miserable weeks. I don't know why. I can't get myself to understand what it is I TRULY want. If nothing else mattered would I still be doing the things I am doing. Do I want to do other things but this HORRID HABIT gets in the way or is it truly what I want. For some odd reason I can't tell the difference...

I need to form some type of strategy to get myself on the right two feet. To accept things I cannot change and just do what it is I WANT TO DO. However, I think a little anxiety/depression also get the way considering I have felt like doing NOTHING this past week. :( Just going with the flow is all I can do..

I love my family and love being home. Something I cannot change. Right now anyway.

I have problems and am getting help.

I am more like my father every day... ah.

I just need to take LIFE by every second and do what it is I want at that moment. With everything.

I can't plan my future as much as I would like.

There is a difference between what I am telling ME and what my OCD is trying to say. Learn the difference.

No one cares how much you weigh/look like. AND if they do- they don't need to be in the picture.

No cares about *****- what you like, do. - IF they DO care- they aren't worth it. :)

The ones who TRULY matter- will accept "you" for you. :)

SAME OLD..

I have read many different blogs on this site in regards to OCD. I read about peoples lives and can totally relate.. it's all the same for us but in different ways. I completely understand what they are saying..

Many of us struggle with different obstacles but when it really comes down to it, it's the same for all of us. :/

Today I am heading to Alton to do some training for a summer camp. My battle with food continues. I am worried about if I will eat when I am actually hungry and the the thought of food is stuck in my head. Of course I brought many snacks with me so I wouldn't have to eat their food which I think is fine but I need to just think of different things at this point! Which I know I am capable of doing..

Many things are hard to explain when you have OCD and that's why I am glad to share this journey with all of you because I know how you can all understand. :) <3

For one.

I am sick and tired of trying to be perfect.

If I had the time, I would also be able to have a "good breakfast".

Because I can't I will accommodate..

Make my own!!

WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL :(

WAHHHH

Why?

Why am I interested in diet so much? Why can't I be like anyone else and no think so much about food. Why do I care??

I feel like it's just my obsession right now. When I had a bf I was not this interested because I had someone who loved me and didn't care about my "looks".

I see progression Lauren. It's more happiness you now need to concentrate on. You know you will gym-it because it makes you feel better if you go.

You don't have to worry so much- you have a routine. :)

So what if your fat. Do you love you?

He happy. Love. Enjoy--

Take your skills and use them...

GOOD WEATHER COME ALREADY!!!!!!

No certain way.

There is no certain way to live life.

Positive things:
I like how I get stuff done (that interests me) anyway..
I am a morning person.
I help out my mom a lot.

Never :label: your life to be a certain way. Live hour by hour and embrace change.
Be crazy and take advantage of your young years. Do things the way you want and not the way you think your suppose to.

Hour by hourrrrr!!

I love food: find a way to embrace it and use it.
I love coffee: again.. see above. Find things you enjoy and find people to enjoy it with you. :)

To make: asian dish..

Different schedule

Today I was on a different schedule. I didn't have to be up for anything so I started out my dad later. I am feeling a little discomfort and I can tell because I can't decide what I what want for breakfast. Meaning, I am thinking a little too much about food. :/

My best friend and her boyfriend of five years broke up yesterday so I need to keep her company today. I am not sure what it is we will be doing..

I guess I am not doing much seeing how she can only be here for about an hour. Go figure. It teaches me that honestly, you can't trust or depend on people. Only YOURSELF. It's so true.

I need to start putting ME FIRST. DO WHAT I WANT. Because like I said, you CANNOT depend on anyone else. :)

Me then everything else falls into place. MY HAPPINESS comes first. :)

Everyone feels the same way

Everyone feels the same way. No one knows what they want.. everyone is different.

Some people want this some people want that..

Do things you want and you will find someone who wants those things too.

Lists

I love lists and I believe if I start making one about what makes me happy then it's a start.

I also need a list of worries, fears and things that bother me to help prevent them.

Fears:
Being overweight.
Mom mad at me.
Being poor.

Anxieties:

Happiness:
Family
Love
Coffee
Peanut butter
Lifetime
Lists
Baths

To be continued..

Why I should be "healthy".

An obsession I have is thinking to much about food and exercise. I have an image in my head about being skinny when what I really SHOULD want is to be healthy.

I don't eat enough "filling" foods. Grains, protein etc. I don't believe that there is such thing about eating too much fruit and veggies however, I need to fill myself more with more satisfying foods.

Why I should be "healthy" vs "skinny".

I will be happier.
I will feel stronger.
I will live without health related problems- where now you aren't being "healthy".
I will be energetic where now- not so much.

When I finally get to this point I will hopefully not have these obsessions in my head.. :/

There should be more to life!!

A new beginning:;

In exchange for turning down a great opportunity- I will blog to beat my OCD and anxiety.

Currently my OCD obsessions revolve around money and food/exercise.

I also have trouble with a mild depression, pleasing people, and worrying about not being perfect or doing the right thing.

The last few weeks I have been depressed for no reason and have been stuck in a rut.

The weather has been horrible, and have been working a lot.

All and all I sick of being unhappy and want that to change.

I want to feel happy and not worry so much.

I have a problem feeling guilty when I spend money. I love having money and HATE spending it. However, it gets in the way when I don't have things I actually need and find myself returning things after I buy them because I think I don't really need them. That's a problem I need to fix.

I have a fear of becoming fat. Therefore, I make myself a certain amount of times a week and eat really healthy for most of the time. The problem- I think about food and exercise constantly and make that run my life..

I need to find what it is that makes me HAPPY. In all areas of my life not just my OCD problems. Because honestly- I don't know what that is. :/ (that makes me happy).

I may have "lost" years with OCD running my life and hell- it's not over. But all I can do is look at the positive side and deal with it but ITS LIFE. It's not easy..

Honestly, there is no certain road I have to take down life. There is no certain "schedule" you have to go by. You choose everything and anything YOU want and there is no one to tell you "no".

So hear I go.. small steps to happiness.